Healing The Feminine Heart
My heart has been battered and bruised by people who have claimed to love me. Due to this, I have struggled to find safety to fully embrace my feminine soul and true heart’s desires. Through which, I spent my years seeking approval and validation through others, searching for ways to fulfill their heart’s desires while neglecting who I was in the process. I lost understanding of who I was, because I mind was entirely fixated upon becoming who others dreamed of me being. I was desperate for love. So many years of disappointment had caused me to spiral into a cycle of self-hatred, for I truly could not comprehend the reason as to why the real me appeared to seem so incapable of being loved. Overtime I noticed that the world found me very admirable upon pretending to be someone that I’m not. Due to such reality, I felt my soul hardening, toughening up within survival mode, rather than softening gracefully within love and security. I didn’t know who to trust, for most people within my life at that time had a way of disappointing me. Cycles of sorrow thrust me into a position where I felt the need to build a barrier around the perimeter of my soul, bringing me to become absolute convinced that I was not worthy nor destined for love at all. Words cannot describe how heartbreaking it felt to me, feeling utterly incapable of attracting healthy relationships. It was only until this year that the truth was unveiled to me, causing me to discover freedom upon understanding that in order to be loved, I must first learn to adore myself. Personally, I found it unsettling. Recovering from abuse and torment wasn’t an overnight process for me. It has taken me years for my heart to let go of the lies, curses and ill-words spoken over me, for they took root within the core of my soul, and I carried such heaviness with me for years which seemed like forever. Now that I’m breaking free, I press diligently toward my journey toward healing, but it’s as though a mighty chunk of who I thought I was has now been destroyed. For decades of my life, I have been sold the lie that I’m unwanted, unworthy, and unable to be desired unless I perform to obtain what I want. And while receiving deliverance from such beliefs are a good thing, it has inevitably brought me to a pivotal moment of my life where I feel that I am forced to unlearn and discover things about myself all over again. It’s like learning a new language, planted into a whole new world and a whole new way of thinking and perceiving things. Once, I was told that it’s an embarrassment for me to love myself. It brought shame and insecurity to weigh upon the breadth of my soul. I would never have known that for decades I would carry such heartache with me. Though thankfully, I’m embracing the beauty of new beginnings. Receiving strength from the heavens above to let go of what was, and look forward to the true love that is to come. However, my heart comprehends that it must start with me. For as I bloom in admiration of who I am, so will the right kind of love find me.